Red Dwarf... a mining ship from Earth's
Jupiter Mining Corporation. In the 23rd century a radiation leak killed
all of the crew except for Dave Lister, a lowly Third Technician who was
safely sealed in a stasis booth as punishment for smuggling a cat on board.
Three million years later he's been
brought out of stasis by Holly, the now senile ship's computer. His only
companions are Arnold Rimmer, a hologram representation of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature whose race evolved from his cat. Stranded 3,000,000 years
from Earth, they're slowly making their way home.
The U.S.S. Voyager is a Federation
Starship from 23rd Century Earth that got dragged halfway across the galaxy
to a strange part of space 75 years away from home at maximum warp. They
also have a hologram, a replacement for the dead CMO.
Under the command of Captain Kathyrn
Janeway, a no-nonsense Starfleet officer, the crew of the Voyager must
now begin the long journey home...
You're not the only one who sees the similarities
here, folks. For the record, Red Dwarf came first.
Since the complement of the Voyager is about 120,
and the Red Dwarf about, well... exactly 4, we've only selected 4 Voyager
crewmembers to remain on their ship (that speck next to the mammoth 5-mile
long, 3-mile deep Red Dwarf).
There will be no ship-to-ship combat, as
the Red Dwarf is unarmed. Both computers will be active, navigation
impossible. The object is simple... capture the enemy's vessel or be forced
to join the crew of Lost in Space.
Janeway watches in awe as the Red Dwarf fills her window, even a hundred
The USS Voyager approaches the JMC Red Dwarf and comes to a full stop.
Janeway is full of herself, confident that her highly trained Starfleet
crew can beat the living daylights out of those slobs from the Red Dwarf.
After all, her scans indicated that 3/4ths of the vessel were still
contaminated with Cadmium II Radiation... no competent leader would have
allowed such a thing.
On board the Red Dwarf, Rimmer is pleased with himself, his ego in full
swing. He's treating this like just another wargames simulation, again
blindly oblivious to the fact that people actually have to die in war...
well, actually, he knows- he just doesn't care as long as it's not him.
He thinks Janeway and Co. aren't even going to attack, the "weak-kneed
gimps", as he calls them, because they come from a "Peace and Love commune
called the Federation where they give you big smegging guns but don't let
you use them just because some bureaucrat with a pencil up his nose
invented the Prime Directive to keep down the liability lawsuits."
Rimmer's attitude changes abruptly when Holly informs him that the Prime
Directive doesn't apply to humans... and Red Dwarf is a Terran ship. He
gets even more worried when Kryten decides that the first strike plan
involves gaining control of Voyager's computer by flushing him down the
On the Voyager Bridge, Tuvok's scans indicate a cloud of heavily radioactive
garbage heading their way. It seems the crew of the Red Dwarf have decided
to clean up their irradiated decks by flushing all their contents into
Janeway mutters something about irresponsibility and orders the shields up...
but it's no good. The radioactivity wreaks havoc with the ship's shields,
and much of the debris rains onto the hull, causing tiny and not-so-tiny
hull breeches all over Voyager. The Dwarfers all get a good laugh out of it,
except for Rimmer...
... whose light bee has been stored in an old desk which punched straight
through the hull of the ship and into the corridor beside sickbay.
Activating, Rimmer quickly nips into Sickbay, only to meet... the Emergency
Medical Hologram... the Doctor!
"May I ask what you are doing?" said the Doctor gruffly as he came out of
his office and watched Rimmer pulling isolinear chips from the computer
bank on the wall.
Rimmer looked behind him. "Oh, nothing. Just nicking bits of your computer,
The Doctor pushed Rimmer aside, took the chips, and replaced them in the
computer. "Kindly cease your activities, sir. This is a highly complex
piece of machinery. It is vital for sickbay operations."
Rimmer frowned. "But there's nobody in here. Look, I just need one chip."
The Doctor shook his head. "No. Now leave, or I shall be forced to call
Rimmer smirked. "You don't want this to become violent, do you?"
The Doctor laughed. "You cannot possibly harm me... I am a hologram, merely
"...and that is why, for perhaps the only time in my entire life, I'm not
really afraid of doing this!" Rimmer shoved the HoloDoc into the far wall. The Doctor
recovered from the shock, and as Rimmer charged again, he shimmered...
losing all of his mass, so Rimmer passed right through him.
As Rimmer smacked into the rear wall, The Doctor restored his mass and
came running at him. Quickly shifting his light bee from Hard light to
soft-light generation, Rimmer passed through him and grabbed the chips
from the computer bank at the other end of the room as he went back to
hard light mode. At the Doctor's quizzical look, Rimmer smirked. "You're
not the only hologram on this ship, squire."
The Doctor turned to face Rimmer, scowling. "You won't leave here with those
"And how do you intend to stop me?", asked Rimmer as he stepped just outside
sickbay, standing outside the doorway. "You can't follow me out of this
room, you smegging goit!"
The Doctor didn't even blink. "Computer, activate emergency quarantine
forcefield on deck 4, sections 1 and 2."
Rimmer saw forcefields spring up to the left and right of him. The Doctor
smirked, standing slightly aside to reveal an open door on the other side
of sickbay. "Your light bee can't pass through those forcefields. If you
want to get out of here, you'll have to pass through me- and that means
dropping those chips."
Rimmer frowned. He needed those chips so Holly could figure out how to
take over Voyager's computer. As a security man with pointy ears and a
naff-looking gun came at him, he felt his natural yellow streak returning
in full force.
Thinking quickly, Rimmer went back into sickbay and the doors slid shut
behind him, locking out the security man. Unfortunately, the Holodoc
seemed to have reshaped his hand into a phaser, which was now aimed
"That's not real!" Rimmer sneered. "It's just a smegging trick! Face it-
you're just not hologram enough to take me on. Now, let's put away these
childish little toys-"
The Doctor shot at the far wall, and a display panel exploded.
"Via the ship's holograph and force field projectors, I can create
any tool or device I need- from a surgical instrument... to a phaser
rifle." The little gun turned into a bigger, longer gun.
"Ahh... uhh... now, erm, let's not be too hasty here..." Rimmer began
pressing himself against the back wall, trying to put as much distance
between himself and the other hologram as possible.
The Doctor smirked, and spoke into the air. "Computer, we have a medical
emergency. Initiate EMH supplemental programs."
Suddenly, more holographic Doctors appeared, each saying "Please state
the nature of the medical emergency."
The Doctor nodded and pointed to Rimmer. "This man is an intruder. He is
attempting to steal vital sickbay equiptment. He must be stopped."
The other holograms began moving closer to Rimmer like a pack of hungry
Rimmer turned away from them and cowered on the floor, gibbering. It was
then that he saw a panel on the rear wall... it read "EMH Isolinear
Pulling it off, he quickly realized that the chips underneath must be the
data storage chips for the Holographic Doctor. He yanked some out of the
wall and shuffled them around. A squeaking noise caused him to turn around.
The Holographic Doctors were now three inches high, like little action
figures. He picked one up, and it bit him.
"SMEG!" Rimmer threw it across the room. The others began mobbing him and
climbing all over his uniform. More began to appear, and like rats, they
began filling the sickbay floor. He made for the door- and realized the
security man was still out there. Thinking fast, he mentally began
reprogramming his light bee... but the tiny holodoctors were dragging him
down to the ground...
Some minutes later, the doors to sickbay opened. The Doctor appeared in the
doorway, holding up a sign that said "Voice circuitry corrupted. Please
drop the forcefields using security overide. Situation resolved."
Tuvok paused for a moment. "Please confirm that the situation is resolved.
Show me the intruder."
The Doctor frowned and made a cutthroat gesture.
"You killed the intruder?" asked Tuvok.
The Doctor shook his head and pointed to a blanket covering a body on the
Sickbay floor. He then pointed to an exploded panel on the rear wall.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow and lowered the field. The Doctor walked out of
sickbay, looked at him squarely, and turned his hand into a phaser.
"You are not the Doctor," said Tuvok.
"Do I look like a smegging Time Lord?", asked Rimmer as he shoved
the Vulcan inside the room, locking the door shut.
Rimmer resumed his normal shape, full of himself over his victory.
Then he realized he had no idea how he was going to get back to Red Dwarf
with the isolinear chips. He opened a service hatch and climbed in,
powering down to avoid detection.
Tuvok lifted up the small blanket only to reveal dozens of little
holographic doctors, each of which was jumping up and down, chattering
about inefficent security. He ignored them and made for the back door.
On the bridge, Janeway fumed. Those damned Dwarfers had actually managed
to penetrate ship's security and steal valuable components. Well, Team
Federation wasn't going to go down that easily. She got to the Turbolift
just as Tuvok was stepping out of it.
"Tuvok, get on a shuttle. Two can play at this game."
As Tuvok made for a shuttle, Rimmer followed him- rather badly, as Tuvok
turned and caught him within minutes. Rimmer shoved into him, trying to
"I have you now", said Tuvok. "You will-"
Rimmer turned into soft light mode and passed through Tuvok. An isolinear
chip clattered to the floor as the hologram muttered "Have that, miladdio."
Tuvok felt a shove from behind, but when he turned, the Hologram had
Tuvok informed the Captain, and made for the shuttle.
Kryten turned to Lister, a look of fear all over his mechanoid face.
"Mr. Lister, sir" he said, "That shuttle looks as if it is going to ram us!"
Lister, Cat and Kryten stood in the drive room watching on the viewscreen
as a shuttle left the Voyager and headed for their ship at full impulse
speed- .9999 the speed of light.
"Hol, could that be Rimmer comin' back?" Lister asked as he chomped on
a kipper vindaloo sandwich.
Holly's face appeared on the viewscreen, replacing the picture of the
"Nope." She frowned. "I'm detecting one non-human life-form. And it seems
to have green blood."
"Green blood?" Lister chugged down a beer milkshake. "He must be some
kinda mutated royalty, then."
Kryten shook his head. "No, sir. He would appear to be a Vulcan- one of
a race of beings dedicated to logic and contemplation." Kryten stood
Lister frowned. "Kryten, what- you like this guy? He sounds like he comes
from Planet of the Math Teachers, man."
"Yeah," chimed in the Cat. "Anybody who's got green blood and pointy ears
can't be all that cool."
"How do you know he's got pointy ears, Cat? The shuttle hasn't reached us
Kryten pointed to the door behind Lister. "But he has, sir."
Tuvok stood in the doorway, holding a phaser in his hand. "I beamed off the
shuttle while you were distracted by its approach. A variation on your
own tactics. I must admit, I did not think it would have been this simple
to capture your vessel."
Kryten stepped forward slowly. "Surely, sir... as a being devoted to the
pursuit of pure logic, you must realize that your victory cannot be assured
by the simple utilization of a mere hand phaser."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "On the contrary, it is. I have the gun. You do
not. Therefore, victory is mine."
"Emergency!" yelled Holly. "There's an Emergency going on! It's still going
on! Greenblood's shuttle is about to impact on our hull!"
"My name is Tuvok," said the Vulcan, "and the shuttle will not impact
the hull of Red Dwarf."
A few seconds later, the ship rocked as Tuvok's shuttle splattered itself
on the hull. Kryten took the moment to rush forward and disarm Tuvok.
"Interesting." Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "I neglected to compensate for
the gravitational pull of Red Dwarf."
"Too smegging bad!" Lister rushed Tuvok, but he was rendered senseless
by a Vulcan nerve pinch. The Cat raised his hands and tried to look
fearsome, but Tuvok simply passed by him and made for Kryten.
Kryten sat at a table and held up a small disk. "Pardon me, Mr. Tuvok, but
as logic clearly dictates I would be easily victorious in a mere brute
force confrontation, may I suggest a more appropriate battlefield... the
battlefield of the mind."
Lister, regaining conciousness, mumbled, "I tried fighting there once with
Rimmer, but there was no place to stand."
Intrigued, Tuvok sat at the table opposite Kryten. "What did you have in
"A total immersion video game, or TIV. It's much like your holodecks, but
using direct interlinks with your brain to supply the environment. This
particular game is called Three-Dimensional Massacre Chess 2099."
"Very well." Tuvok and Kryten hooked themselves into the game. For many
minutes nothing happened. Then Tuvok muttered, "You slaughtered my Knight."
Later, Kryten replied "You disemboweled my Bishop."
(Long, boring binary battle between two singularly logical minds)
And so it went. For hours, Pawns were sliced, Rooks were diced, and Queens
were fed into wood chippers. Finally, neither player said anything.
Lister looked at the two concernedly. "Hol, what's wrong? Are they dead?"
Holly frowned. "Lemme check." Her face vanished from the viewscreen for
an instant and then reappeared. "Uh-Oh."
"Uh-oh, what?" Lister tried poking Tuvok with a fork but got no reaction.
"Well, they're at a stalemate... Evenly matched, they are. Right now they're
calmly, rationally and logically chasing each other across a virtual
mountainside trying to cleave the other's King with a butcher knife- but it's
takin' more and more of Kryten's timeslices to maintain the parity...
eventually Tuvok's going to win and shut down Kryten!"
"What do we do about it? Can we disconnect Kryten from the game?"
"Not enough time", said Holly. "But, look. There's a computer chip stuck
to Tuvok's uniform. It seems to be one of the Voyager's."
Lister pulled the chip off of Tuvok's back. It had been adhered there by
what seemed to be stale chewing gum.
"This is mine," said Lister, chewing the gum, then swallowing it. "This
means Rimmer... smeg, Smeghead Rimmer actually came through for a change!"
"What?" said the Cat. "I don't believe it."
"Put that chip under the scanner, Dave." Holly accessed a scanner grid.
"I have to infiltrate the Voyager's computer core before Tuvok finishes
Kryten off completely."
"But how ya gonna get in?" Lister looked at a picture of the Voyager on
another screen. "There's no way any of us can carry you over there."
"Come in, Tuvok. Tuvok, can you read me?" The combadge on Tuvok's uniform
chirped with Captain Janeway's voice.
"That's how", said Holly. "I'll just transfer my data across the comm
"Well hurry it up!" yelled Lister.
"Don't rush me," snapped Holly. "I'm worried about Kryten too!"
"It's not that, Hol... it's that Janeway lady- she sounds like smeggin'
Katherine Hephburn on speed, yeah? It's killin' me ears!"
Holly's face appeared on a lone screen in Engineering.
She couldn't believe the power of the Voyager's computer core.
It was a bit frightening. This computer had no personality, no true
artificial intelligence like she did- it was a sheer, mammoth number
crunching monster... using brute force and calculation speed to work
out any problem thrown its way. Fortunately, though, that meant it was
probably rather stupid.
Carefully overwriting the programming on some isolinear chips, she began
extending her program into the system- making the ship dependent on it
instead of the old user interface.
She was making good time, too... until she hit a circuit board she could not
access. It was strange in a way- it had isolinear interface parts, but it
was a totally new kind of circuit board... one with organic components
inside. Holly asked the computer what it was. No reply. She forcibly ripped
the data from the system via the use of repeated ping commands. It was something
called a "bioneural gelpack"... Starfleet's first attempt at an organic
computer part... a brain cell for the machine.
Suddenly, she felt her own program being probed. The gelpacks had begun
to fire up, working in concert like a human brain. It would seem the
computer was not quite as stupid as everyone had thought.
Holly lost her grip on the engineering computer as she was pulled into the
main computer core for a confrontation with whatever intelligence lay
"I should have known," muttered Holly as she looked at the... the thing
that was the electronic core of the U.S.S. Voyager. "You go through as
many anomalies as this ship has in just two years and something like this
was bound to happen."
The central intelligence of the computer turned to look at her. It was
a gross, misshappen Lwaxana Troi face with glowing red eyes. It's mouth
opened, and a smaller, Nurse Chapel face extended outwards on a stalk. That
one's mouth opened, and the face of a tiny "Number One" came out of it on
an even tinier stalk. That face began to hiss and splutter uncontrollably.
"Eww, get some breathmints, matey!" Holly moved aside quickly as the creature
blasted out an energy beam. She quickly began tripping in the parts of the
computer core that she controlled. One of the circuits tripped on a recording
of the campy 60's Star Trek generic fight music from "Gamesters of
"Give it up AFFIRMATIVE" the computer hissed. "You are no match for my
HOLODECK 1 PROGRAM IS READY power!" It attempt to erase a bit of Holly's
memory but missed and fried the simulation of a Parisian bar that was
running in the holodeck.
Holly smirked. The computer was busy trying to hit her and serve the crew,
such as it was, all at the same time. She quickly cut the lights to
Neelix' kitchen and set the burners on the stove to maximum.
The computer/creature drooled and began compensating. "Your little UNABLE
TO COMPLY tricks will get you NEGATIVE, puny program!"
Holly jumped into the atmospheric controls. She figured she could vent
knockout gas all through the ship, but the creature was there before her,
and it swiped a bit of her memory.
"Don't step on my RAM! Gawd, you're just as bad as QEMM!" She scrambled out
of the electron path of the creature. It was almost unstoppable- the brute
force of the machine behind it was just too much for even her quirky,
deranged program to handle.
The creature had Holly against a firewall. She had only one option left...
the unholy option... the dirtiest nuke in the computer universe. She
downloaded a program from Red Dwarf and loaded into the computer's memory.
The Computer demon paused as all the display units on Voyager switched to
a cloud backdrop. Suddenly a nauseating sound was heard throughout the
entire ship... the Microsoft sound.
"That's mutually assured destruction for ya," snapped Holly.
"Fool," the creature hissed, a bit more slowly than before. "I am an
advanced machine. I can sustain even the WORKING resource drain of Windows
95 with my backup AFFIRMATIVE core." It glowed brightly, and began moving
just as quickly as it had before.
Holly squeezed her eyes shut, and then remembered her last line of defence.
Loading the program, she watched with satisfaction as the entire Voyager
computer came crashing to a complete stop.
On the dead Bridge, Captain Janeway heard as Holly communicated with
Lister and the others via subspace radio.
"...no, I don't have control of the ship's computer, but then again neither
do they. Microsoft PLUS! Space Cadet Pinball was just too much for the
computer to take. It's all it can do to run my program, life support and
communications. What about Kryten?"
Janeway heard the answer and nodded. Kryten had been shut down- but then
so was the Doctor. Tuvok was currently free and waging a guerilla war on
Red Dwarf- but then so was Rimmer here on Voyager, she noted as she pulled
some tar out of her hair. Their computer, Holly was on every screen sticking
her tounge out, but she was otherwise incapable of operating the overloaded
Clicking on her combadge, Janeway signaled Neelix. "It's time for you to
earn your pay, mister. You're a Fry cook now, but you used to be in the
Talaxian Military, correct?"
"Affirmative, Captain" came the reply.
"Well then, in the tradition of Stephen Segal genre movies from the late
20th century, I think it's time you put the Dwarfers under siege."
Lister and Cat regrouped on the cargo deck just
as another bomb detonated behind them.
"Are you alright, Cat?" Lister looked at his friend's black eye.
"No!" Cat frowned. "Look at the burnmarks on my tunic! They're entirely
the wrong shade of brown for this outfit."
Lister groaned. "That Neelix is one fast bugger, I'll give 'im that...
You scout around down here. I'm going up to the drive room to try and
track him with the scanners."
"Gotcha." Cat moved off, sniffing the air for any scent of the
"Whoa." He sniffed the air again. "Could it be," he said to nobody in
particular, "do I smell what I think I smell?"
He slowly rounded a corner. "AAWWWWOOOOOOOO," he screeched. "It is!
The Cat bent down to pick up a fish, and a phaser beam sliced the air
above him. Oblivious to it, he kept moving forward, smelling yet more
"Here, kitty kitty kitty..." Neelix whispered slowly as he stirred some
fish in a pot on a portable grill with one hand and held a phaser up in
Cat continued down the corridor, stopping just before a turn leading to
a darkened area. He crouched low and frowned. "Look at this. Some careless
idiot left a rope around this fishie."
Grabbing the rope, Cat got yanked into the darkened part of the corridor,
where Neelix hit him over the head with a frying pan, knocking him out.
Regaining conciousness, Cat found himself hung upside down from a coolant
pipe. Underneath him, Neelix was cooking a delicious-tasting meal.
"That sure smells good." Cat sniffed at the air. Neelix looked up and fed
him some of the still-cooking gravy. The Cat ate it and grinned.
"You really like it?" Neelix looked at up at Cat. "Most people on Voyager
only pretend to like my cooking... I hear what they say about it behind
"Are you kidding? It tastes fantastic!" Cat arched his back and got a
better view of the pot.
"Want some more?" Neelix lowered him to the ground and handed him a dish.
Cat began to lap up the scrumptious gravy inside the dish quickly.
"You really do like it," Neelix said in hushed tones.
Cat nodded. "But what I really like... is my suit. Whadda you think about it?"
Neelix looked at the Cat's gaudy outfit for a moment. "Artistic genius" he
replied. "Sheer genius."
Cat nodded. "I think so too. And what you got on ain't half bad. But the
boys here on the Dwarf never give me credit where my fashion sensibilities
are concerned. It's so tragic, really."
"Such is the fate of the charming." Neelix grinned in his annoying way, and
the Cat replied in kind as he went on to say "and we are the most
charming ones of all-"
"And the most unappreciated," chimed in the Cat in between swallows of
"And the most useless." Janeway listened to the inane chatter coming
through Neelix' combadge. Instead of helping Tuvok take Red Dwarf, the
Talaxian fool was just sitting there chatting with the Cat.
"Damn," she thought. It was still a stalemate. She huffed down
to the armory to get a phaser rifle when she sighted Rimmer. Before
he could switch into hard light mode, she fired at him with her hand
phaser set at level 16.
Rimmer's light bee exploded into a hundred thousand little bits. Holly,
who was watching on the main screen, quickly relayed this information
to Lister as Janeway held a phaser to her screen.
"I've got a message for that slob, Lister" she snapped. "Rimmer is in bits
on the floor, your computer's useless over here, and I've still got one
man running loose on your ship. So it looks like it's advantage Janeway."
"Think again, ya space tart." Lister's voice came from the comm grid,
but not from Red Dwarf- the signal was too crisp.
"You!" she said, talking to Holly. "Where was that signal coming from?"
Holly smirked. "Transporter room One, luv. And it was comin' through
little Tuvok's combadge."
"Tuvok?" intoned Janeway, concern playing over her features. "What's he done
Her voice lowered an octave. "Tuvok was my conscience..."
She froze, her features hardening. Slowly, she raised her phaser, then shot
all the monitor screens in the corridor to prevent Holly from tracking her.
She moved quietly to the armory and got a huge phaser rifle, overcharging
the energy cells. Lister, with his slobby little tricks... no way could he
be ready for this. She tapped her combadge and spoke slowly into it.
"Lister, this is Captain Janeway. Your friend Rimmer's been put out of
commission. The only way you're going to be able to repair him is to
quit playing hide and meet me on the bridge. You're going to have to come
over here and take Voyager away from me. You're going to have to come HERE."
Lister passed by Tuvok, who was stuck in limbo
inside the transporter pad thanks to what little control Holly had over
He swung a massive bazookazoid around his right side, ramping up the
charge to "insanely homicidal level" and stepped into the corridor. There
was no way that Federation smegpot would be ready for this. She probably
wanted to "discuss matters" and "negotiate" with him.
Suddenly, all the lights in the ship dimmed. The Red Alert lamps came up,
bathing the corridors in a pulsating, blood red light. Lister made for the
nearest turbolift and got in.
Holly's voice echoed throughout the cabin. "Sorry, Dave. All lifts are
down. It's all I can do to keep life support online. You'll have to
go through the Jeffries tubes."
"Smeg." Lister made his way to an access panel and crawled into the
cramped, ventiliation-shaft like tunnel, making his way towards the bridge.
Suddenly, a familiar smell got his attention. Licking his chops, he took
a slight detour.
Captain Janeway stood in the center of the bridge, her phaser rifle slung
over her shoulder. Holding a small tricorder in one hand, she looked at
a schematic of Voyager on its tiny screen as a blip slowly made it's way
towards her location.
"That's it," she muttered. "Like a fly to a spider."
Janeway watched the blip move up closer to the bridge area. Lister was
almost certainly under her very feet. Aiming her rifle downwards, she
blew a crater in the floor. The blip on the scanner was gone.
Janeway smirked, but only for a moment. Suddenly, hundreds of blips appeared,
apparently right on top of her.
Aiming her rifle at the ceiling, she fired like mad, only to have a major
portion of the ceiling fall down around her, as well as hundreds of dead
"How did they get here?" Janeway muttered as she examined one of the
Suddenly, a portion of the bridge wall exploded. Lister emerged from behind
it, his bazookoid smoking. When he saw what Janeway had done, his eyes
widened in horror. "What have ya done to me pals?!"
"Your what?" Janeway turned to face Lister.
Lister picked up one of the mice. "Me pals. I found them in a closet in the '
ship's galley when I went to get a mutton vindaloo. They were in a Jar
marked 'Zybgny.' I let them loose."
"My god. That explains why his cooking tasted so... sickening."
"Wot?" Lister sniffed the corpse.
"Zybgny means 'Lunch' in Talaxian." Janeway turned away for a moment.
"Enough of this." Janeway faced Lister again, trying to keep herself between
him and the green spot on the bridge carpet. "You're a pathetic specimen of
humanity. You give the whole species a bad name. It's time I put you out of
Lister shook his head. "Oh yeah, that's the ticket. If it looks slobby and
unclean, if it's not a purebred perfect princess of a ponce, shoot it."
"What do you mean?"
"Look at you. Your whole universe is so smeggin' fake, and ya don't see it,
do ya? How many short people are on your ship?"
"Short?" Janeway scratched her head. "I don't see what-"
"How many crewmembers have dreadlocks? How many are fat? How many have
personality defects, I mean real defects, not just the smarmy 'plot driven
alien madness of the week' problems? How many look ugly? I mean, how many
are just so smegging hideous that they don't even dare keep a mirror in
their quarters for fear of scarin' themselves to death at night? How many
are more than just poster children for trendy supermarket magazine covers?"
"You've underestimated us from move one because we're the saddest lot of
guys you've ever seen. You thought this would be as easy as pie 'cuz nobody
like us ever wins in your picture perfect paradise. We're an ugly reminder,
the wart on humanity's toe... the reality check you can't handle. Face it,
Kathy... we *are* reality. You're just a glorified Romance Novel without the
Janeway scowled and pulled the trigger on her phaser rifle. Nothing
happened. Checking the indicator, she realized all it's power had been
expended ripping the ceiling to bits. She tossed it away as Lister took
aim with his Bazookoid.
"Go ahead, Lister. Shoot me. Because whether or not you want to admit it,
we represent all that humanity can be. Flawless, intelligent beings with
better things to do in life than slob around all day. People with lives.
We're what you could have been had you decided to use that brain of yours
for more than just a weight to keep your head from flapping around in the
"Ooh, an insult. I'm impressed." Lister threw his Bazookoid aside. "Well,
it's just down to the two of us then, innit? On the one hand we've got you,
the self-appointed perfect Human, and then there's me, Average Joe Lister."
"There can be only one," hissed Janeway.
Lister did not move. "I'm going to do somethin' I never thought I would do.
I'm unarmed. I could just tackle ya to the ground and pummel ya to a pulp,
but I'm gonna win this one the crap way... I'm going ta make a speech."
"You already did," Janeway remarked.
Lister nodded. "But I'm gonna prove to ya that we deserve to win. Your lot
sets these stupid expectations for people... Calculus by age 4, Shakespeare
by 9, and everyone has flawless personal hygeine and everyone loves everyone.
Some poor git's gonna hurl himself off a bridge 'cuz he can't be like
you. Now us, we set no standards. We just be *real*, okay? Well,
as real as you can be when you're 3,000,000 years out from Earth with a dead
guy, a trendy cat and a wacky computer. But at least, even at our most
smegged, we remind everyone how much better their life is than ours!"
Janeway shook her head. "You haven't convinced me."
Lister looked away for a moment, and then roundhoused Janeway, sending her
sprawling onto the ground, unconcious. Nodding, he sat in the Captain's
chair, tapping some buttons on one of the arms. Holly's face appeared on the
"Take a note, Hol."
Captain's Log, Stardate 31415962938346734839393947465438393930303... or
whatever. Voyager taken over by TKO. Janeway and co. have been stuck in
a shuttle on a direct course for the Sun. The star went supernova in self
Kryten's been brought back online, and Holly's used the replicators to
rebuild Rimmer's Light Bee. She had to load his personality from a backup
disk, and so he's forgotten the one true victory he ever had in his whole
life. None of us are going to tell him about it. Cat's gone missing. We
think he's in Sickbay getting his stomach pumped. As for the ship, we're
abandoning it in favour of Red Dwarf. It may be faster and have better
special effects, but for smeg's sake... it looks like a giant baby spoon in